Sunday, October 23, 2005

Her words HURT me so

It hurts so much to hear someone who watched you grow tell to your face that the decision you made is making them miserable. I could have almost cursed her for saying that. But I can't because I love her too much. She taught me about life but it seems that she just couldn't understand me as much as she wants to.

She told me I should have listened to their advice instead of listening to my heart. Masya ALLAH. Why? Why must this happen to me?

O ALLAH, the tears won't stop flowing. I have never intended to trouble them like this. Instead, I wanted to give them the life they gave me when I was a child.

Once, I was told to follow my heart. But now, I am asked to listen to their advice because they saw me through my life. I'm confused. I'm so confused.

Does everyone think that it is easy for me being like this? I hate it too. I hate it even more merely because my decision seems to make everyone so bloody miserable and worried. Worried for me and for themselves. I hate it so!

O ALLAH, at times like this, I need Your Love and Your Strength the most. I need it so I can feel like there IS light at the end of this tunnel. I need the strength to not have to be rude to them. Yes, I have to admit that ever since I left DA company, life has been a complete roller coaster ride. It still is. O ALLAH, at times like this, I wished that .... no, I shall not say it out for it is too painful for me to even feel it.

O ALLAH, her words made me feel like such a failure. I admit I can never measure up to them - ever. First it was school and now career decisions. O ALLAH, can You please let her know that I am always trying very hard to be the best I can. Make the best career decisions as best as I possibly can. All I am trying to find is a career that I enjoy and is passionate about and that can also provide for the family. But most of the time, I can only find one of the requirements. It's either I enjoy the job with a meagre salary or a profession that I loathe but pays darn well. Every day, I pray for THAT particular job to be granted to me. I know You hear me and that all these setbacks are a collection of a tests to see how determined and patient I am. I am trying hard to be positive but they are not in it together with me. It's hard to do it alone, O ALLAH.

O ALLAH, as I was writing this post, I silently prayed that You give me something that could make me feel much better and get on with life with as much enthusiasm as before (or maybe even more). Then I saw this quote and I know my silent prayer was answered. Alhamdullillah. I know I will get through this. It is because of You, O ALLAH. Because You believe in me. Even though the whole world may seem to have given up on me (including them), I know You will always be there for me.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are special - Don't ever forget it!


zuhri said...

hey lizzie, tough decisions eh? life is tough, that's why we have god, brain and people who we love to help us out. parents or the elders tend to make you follow their advices coz they've gone through the paths and knew which ways would lead to which destinations.

i've gone through that process too as i looked back and realised that i also sometimes did the same thing to people, who when i was at their age, loath such advices.

you may not realise it, but if you look carefully inside, u could be doing the same thing to your little students, though sometimes we tend to differentiate it with another term - "guidance" (or bimbingan). so, don't get so hard on yourself or your parents. for all you know, they do that because they love you very much. like you love the students under your care, as you "guide" them too.

think positively all ideas - never throw out anything yet as all ideas come with pros and cons. weigh the pros and cons, and choose the one with more pros.

u know, i'd love to be a professional photographer - in fact it was a dream job. take photos, put up exhibitions and people pay thousands for each photo. but i acknowledge that the competition is tough, and i also know that i have other talents and skills which could sustain my life and family well.

as much as i want to reach the stars in the sky, i have to keep my feet firmly on the ground. but u never know, someday i could still reach the stars - but perhaps not now.

zuhri said...

hey, there's a saying "we learn from our mistakes, but wise men learn from other people's mistakes"...or something to that effect :) hhmmm... food for thought, eh?