Friday, December 22, 2006

All I have is me

From my point of view, insecurity is a deadlier disease than the HIV/AIDS virus.

It can happen to anyone. It can happen to women, men, teenagers, adults, the rich, the poor. People from all walks of life have some kind of insecurity that they choose to reveal or kept hidden.

It is very devastating to hear about teenage girls as young as 13 years old indulging in self-mutilation as a form of avenue to numb the pain they get from discrimination by the mean girls.

I am one person (of millions) who knows best about insecurity. I grew up feeling ugly, fat and worthless. But I thank ALLAH s.w.t for showing me the right path to let out some steam. I grew up feeling insecure about myself. Even though, my self-confidence has somewhat increased over the years but I still go through some days feeling sorry for myself.

Sometimes, I allowed loneliness to take charge of my being. It can be very pressuring and awful to be the only one who is single in the company of couples. Yes, I am making a confession right now. I do get lonely. Sometimes, it gets so bad that I just break down and cry my heart out.

"I have lost 10 kilograms and could fit into my old clothes!! Why am I still not attached??" I shouted to myself.

I felt so worthless because I am not with someone. I felt so worthless because everyone around me is making wedding plans or planning how many children they are going to have with their partners. I felt incomplete because I am not walking down the street in the arms of a man. I felt insecure because I cannot gaze lovingly into the eyes of another and whisper sweet nothings to him. I blamed the pimple scars on my face or my excessive weight for being the cause of my single status.

But watching The Oprah Winfrey Show today, I found out that the root cause is myself-my inner self. Thanks to that very famous line from, Jerry McGuire, I thought I needed someone to sweep me off my feet and make me feel good about myself. I thought that I needed to be in a relationship to feel complete, to finally start living. I thought that a man can make me feel whole and that without him, I am nothing more than just a speck of dust. Masya ALLAH. How shallow my mind was. I thought wrong! So very wrong.

The fact of the matter is, I was insecure with myself. I thought I would be a much better person if I was in a relationship. I thought that I will be complete by attaching myself to another. Contrary to that, we need to feel whole ourselves before we present us to another person. We need to come to the table as a whole being and not as someone who is half-filled and needs another to fill the void. Being in a relationship with someone will not complete me because I am complete as myself. I should not need a man to fill me. He adds on to who I already am but he does not become part of me. I present myself to him as a whole and being with him means we are two wholes. Hahahaha...Yes, it does sound sort of funny. But it makes more sense seeing those words on the screen. However, don't get me wrong. I do not hate men nor do I think that relationships are worthless. I do love men *wink* *wink* and I am all for taking a risk to be with someone in a relationship but I should stop berating myself for things that I have no control over. I have no one but myself to blame for all this. The poison and elixir lies within me.

I am letting known my vulnerabilities to the World Wide Web. My friends and people from around the world might read this. Revealing such huge confessions is not easy but I felt that I needed to let it be known because I know that someone out there is going through the same things and I want them to know that they are not alone. Upon reading my deepest and most personal emotions, some people may choose to take advantage of it or mock me. That is their choice. I chose to give myself a pat on the back for taking this huge step of telling my weakness with the intention to help someone else.

Feeling insecure about oneself can slowly kill a person. One goes trough life like a walking zombie when everything else in the world seems out of place when all it takes is to...just accept yourself for who you really are and start embracing God's gift to us - ourselves.

I think this is enough motivation talk for today. Excuse me, jolly people, while I get all dressed up for another night of fun!

Jessica Simpson - I Belong To Me


Anonymous said...

alamak cik kak kita ni..those available in yr life right now..amik ajer..takmau choosy moosy. sweep off yr feet eh..ure watching way too many hollywood movies,girl..

marylamb said...

i like this song by jessica..anyway..kudos for being brave and truthful.. ;D

Amby_OFFsPrinG said...

Lizzie to marylamb - i like it 2! but she sounded horrible when she sang live. thx, mar! d;D

Lizzie to Anon - I am not asking to be swept off my feet. I am way past that fairytale-happily-ever-after syndrome (thank u very much!). ni relek jer cakap aku choosy moosy. r u sure u really no me? i dun tink so becoz if u do, thn u wun say wat u said.

kidrah said...

girl.. jodoh tak ke maner.. ni sumer dah tercatat.. so while waiting for ur time to come... juz appreciate life as it is, making the best of what u have now... we love u remember that.... the key is dun take things under ur nose for granted.. and yearned for something more.... u will regret once it's gone... treasure what u have and be contented... aite girll..... take care

Amby_OFFsPrinG said...

Lizzie to kidrah - UR DA BEST! well said, dear. yeah, its all very true. It's amazing how we are able to come our stronger from situations that we nearly thought we could never get out of alive, no wot i mean? anws, bila nak outz lagi? hehehe..sori, tt time was my parents anniversary so ada kenduri doa selamat sikit...