I want to go!!!!

I would really like to go and watch Jason Mraz during Mosaic Music Festival but I can't. The price of the tickets are over my budget. Yeah, it's all about the money again - as always. ARGH!

Jason Mraz is fantastic! He makes great music. ARGH! I hate this! I am so upset.! d:-(

I am upset. So, so upset!

Second time round

I made a fool of myself on the 18th of February 2006. Venue: Sembawang Shopping Centre. After waiting in line for more than an hour, I stuttured. I mumbled over my words. I don't know what went wrong. Maybe it has been ages since I last went for auditions and the tension was just killing me...then.

Unsatisfied with my lack of confidence on that fateful day, I decided to try for the last round of auditions. This time, it was held at Tampines Mall. Mr-Bintang Manja Finalist-Cikgu Melayu selenger bachin-but-damn-fun-to-chill-with (ie: 5zeal) went with me. For the second time, I waited for hours and hours.

3 hours (or was it 4??) later, it was finally my turn to show the judges what I've got. This time round, the judge was Sani Hussein. I remember him from my Bara audition (yes, I tried to get on that ""gerek"-and-oh-so-"interesting"" drama series). He was there as well. He was so friendly on both occassions. If you ever get to read this Abang Sani, I think you're cool and thanks for being kind to me. *thumbs up*

Compared to the blunder on the 18th of February, I have to admit that what I gave today was much better. But frankly, I still don't think it was great enough. However, it's over now. No use crying over spilled milk. At least, I plucked up enough courage to go for the second time despite the crap I presented the first time round.

Nonetheless, there was one thing that made me satisfied. It definitely was not my audition but the love and sacrifice my Mummy made for me. For both times, she was there for me the whole time. She even brought me lunch even though she had woken up at 5am to cook for us (That's merely because I couldn't eat while we were at home. Too many butterflies in my stomach.) She was there for me the whole time. She gave me supporting looks whenever I looked her way. She kept reminding me to remember ALLAH and ask for guidance from Him at such a nerve-wrecking moment.The whole time, she was just there - waiting and supporting me. How could I ever be so mean to her? I love my Mummy. Alhamdullillah. I thank ALLAH for the gift that is her - my Mummy dearest.

Move along now...

Call me naive, stupid, big-headed, proud, whatever. But I feel like a love lost is well...a love lost.

It pains me to hear people I care about moping around about a lost love and how they want to end their lives because of it. Please, get a grip, y'all. Okay, some may say that I have not felt a lost love because I was never in a relationship before. How would you know? I have had my fair share of heartaches. Yes, I do know how painful it can be but never have I come to a point of wanting to end my life for the one who broke my heart. Never! Insya ALLAH, I never will. It may seem unlikely (especially at when you're at your lowest) but really, there is so much to live for. Life doesn't end just because he/she doesn't reciprocate your love.

Please don't get me wrong. This post is not to say that my wonderful friends can't come to me for their relationship problems. They can and they know it. But this post is to say how much it hurts me to see them in so much emotional pain - because I know how it feels.

Yes, you can grief. I know I did. I let myself cry. Cry my heart out. It felt good afterwards. After grieving comes the reflection stage. I then started to reflect on the wrongs and rights that I did during the whole process.

Did I make any efforts to rectify the problem/s?
Did he/she make the same efforts that I had put in?
What can I learn from this?

Some of us may want to know from the other party the real reason for the change of heart (or is it all of us?) But sometimes, we forget to reflect on the things he/she said or did because the answer can be found there. We get so caught up in trying to get them to explain to us and shout out that one-million dollar answer to our face. But not everyone handle things the same way we do. If you are the sort who talk things over or the type who come clean and clarify any misunderstandings and settle the problems like civilised individuals, you can't expect everyone to be like that. You are putting yourself up for the greatest dissappointment because we are all different. It's hard to find a partner who is similar in that sense but it's not impossible. He/she could be just right in front of you! You just have to look a little closer.

So my dearest friends, you know I care about you guys so much. Please don't dampen your growth and potential for a lost love. Sometimes, you just have to let go and move on. I'm not saying that it's simple but you can do it. It doesn't matter whether the relationship lasted 5 years, 5 months or even 5 days. You have to let it go. If it comes back to you, you know it's meant to be yours. If it doesn't, ALLAH will certainly replace it with something else - most of the time, it's something better. He will never leave us by ourselves no matter how often we forget Him. So live your life and be the very best that you can. I have faith in all of you. You can make it in life. Insya ALLAH.

Human abuse

One tends to be extremely careful when it comes to defining the type of relationship one wants from the opposite gender. However (for most of us), our gestures (which by the way includes body language) tend to show more than just friendship, most off the time at least. (Just in case, some of you don't know or choose not to know) That will confuse the other party. Mixed signals, as some would call it.

Does he really like me or am I just a friend? But why would he go to that extent if I am just a friend?

This is extremely convenient for when one decides ultimately to not be with that someone (for whatever reason), there will be no guilty conscience because there is no obligation. Yeah, that's it. No obligations. It was already earlier defined as just friendship, isn't it? Maybe one can go about convincing oneself by saying that, "Hey, I didn't say you are my steady boy/girl friend. I said, you were my friend." No guilty conscience.

But one may also forget that the world is round and like they say, what goes around comes around.

Some call this as widening your social circle (*rolls eyes*). Personally, I define it as cruelty towards the human race. Playing with another person's feelings is pure evil. Maybe it's just me but hey, this is MY blog.

Yes, yes, yes, I do write most of my posts based on personal experience (this one included). No, no, no, I am not experiencing it right now (I pray that I never have to). It just sickens me when people play it so darn safe when it comes to liking (or maybe even loving?) someone. I can't comprehend why one just cannot be straight forward about one's feelings towards a person and take the risk to be with that other person. Being alive itself is a risk, isn't it? It's because whatever you do might be the last chance you have of being alive. Living is about risks. Living is a risk. If not, then just be dead and then you will never have to feel the pain of death. If the other person is a friend, then one must learn the fine line between platonic friends. One must learn.

However, looking at this issue from another angle, my opinion starts to differ. Dealing with human feelings is never easy. Experts can try to categorise the human characteristics according to horoscopes, race, nationalities or even gender. They will never be able to nail that one particular foolproof way to deal with the human feeelings.

But then again, maybe I am just being pessimistic.

To Down Under

Dear Dinah,

I have to be honest with you. I am extremely shocked that wanted to look me up after all this time. However, I am glad that you did. I truly am. Like I said, I was actually wondering how you were getting along before you posted that (first) tag on this blog of mine. Everytime I walked past your void deck, I hope to bump into you - just to see how you were. Then by God's grace, you sent me that tag. Seriously, I was not expecting it. I was just darn shocked to hear from you. I was even more taken aback the day you apologised to me during our MSN conversation. It took me quite a while to register what you typed (Yes, I am still that S.L.O.W) In my mind, I started to question.

What does she want from me?
Should I even respond to this tag?
Should I forgive her?
Should I let bygones be bygones and start afresh?

I felt so stupid. It's because I do not have the right to even ask these questions. I believe that in a fight, both parties have to apologise and are in the wrong - yes, even the one who is in the right. What right do I have to ask those questions? I should be apologising as well. Up till today, I still cannot remember what the fight was about. Yeah, I can remember bits and pieces but as a whole, I have no idea what brought us apart. Quite silly, isn't it? Maybe it took a while for me to forgive because it felt easier to hate and put the blame on you. I am sorry. I really am. I feel horrible even thinking about it.

To be frank with you, I truly enjoyed those times I spent with you. We could break down into laughter for the stupidest things. It felt good to be able to be myself. I don't get that many chance to be so these days. (Being crazy and stupid isn't in anymore. It never was. It was always about looks)

Alhamdullillah. I am ever so grateful to ALLAH s.w.t that we are both doing so very fine. I have to admit that I am extremely thankful as well that you initiate the journey to forgiveness. For that, I salute you. It is never easy to say, "I'm sorry." And you did it. Good job, Dinah! (Oops! I'm sorry. I say it in school ALL the time. I can't help it sometimes. Hehehehe) I hope you have a wonderful life and am really looking forward to spending time with you when you're local.

Yours with love ,
Lizzie

When girl meets up with old-time boy

When a girl is in like (because love is too strong a word, no?), should she :-

1) get worked up when Mr. Potential takes ages to reply to her messages?

2) feel that she must take the same amount of time Mr. Potential took to reply to her messages in order not to seem too free?

3) get worked up when Mr. Potential didn't ask how her day was after he was given the opportunity to describe his day?

4) feel (even more) horrible when she is so, so sick but he doesn't know and she wants him to know but she doesn't know how to because he didn't bother to find out how her horrid day was?

5) consider it a form of rejection that he doesn't seem to flirt back when she was being naughty even though she knows that he is not the kind of man to do that (and his good-boy-for-real persona is what attracts her to him)?

6) stare at the screen of her mobile so hard (till her eyes pop out?), hoping for a text message or better still, a telephone call from him?

7) freak out when she did not receive a "good night" message from him after falling asleep to that same message every other previous nights?

8) subtly hint it to him on how she really does care about him eventhough stories about his ex pisses her off (big time)?

9) just tell him straight up that he should "get his balls on" (about his ex) although saying so will somewhat tarnish her ladylike image (not that he doesn't know what a tomboy she can be. But she wants him to know that she's change..for the better)

10) just tell him straight to his face that she is able to give the care, concern and love he needs (Insya ALLAH). More than what the bitch (Oops! I meant his ex) could ever give in a million years.

11) wonder and wonder (till her head hurts) when Mr. Potential does not reply to her messages after like 15 minutes? (She would freak out big time after like 1 hour of no reply.)

It's normal, right? To have all this crazy thoughts and desires at the back of a girl's mind when her mind is filled with a Mr. Potential? It is, isn't it? But who cares about being normal, anyways. I don't.

Achoo!

The flu bug has hit me. My eyes weighs a tonne and my body is weak. All I want to do now is go to sleep. Sleep on it.

C.K.P

I was groped twice today. No need for a police report. It was not by a grown man (Eventhough I don't mind if so, especially if he's tall, dark and handsome. Okay, okay. shut up you over there. I can control my hormones really well, thank you) but by one of my lovelies. It came as a surprise. The first time I just stood there, not knowing what to do but the second time I was a little more alert.

Damn! And my lovely is very good-looking as well (at least he will grow up to be) but still, he needs to be disciplined, you know. No groping of any kind when you grow up, sweetheart.

Alright, I'll stop here. No more groping encounters okay. I'm tired. Don't blame me, okay.

My request entry

Ring on the ring finger of one's left hand symbolises marriage while a ring on the other hand symbolises engagement, right? Do correct me if I'm wrong.

I have a little request. Actually, I have two little requests.

First one is for those who are not married or engaged to please not wear rings on the fingers mentioned above. It is very confusing for singles to guess your marital status. We (or should I say "I"?) do not want to make a move on a married man or a man about to marry the love of his life. ARGH! So frustrating, you know. Only wear the rings if you're really married or engaged. Then we (or again should I say "I"?) will stay away from you boys.

Second little request is that maybe you guys can go around with a tag big enough for all (or maybe just for me?) to know your marital status. Married, divorced, engaged, in a relationship, getting over a heartbreaking relationship or single and bloody available. It will really save us (or is it just me?) a lot of time having to guess or maybe even worse. Make a move and charm our way through your heart just to find out that you will be getting married in a months time or that you are not ready for a relationship because you do not want to make the same mistake of choosing the wrong girl as like your previous (oh so traumatising) relationship. *rolls eyes*

Is that too much to ask?

Tired, tired, tired...

The tense muscles. The aching back. The eyes that weighed a tonne. That was how I felt since the last time I created a post. What a week! Will it be like this for the rest of the time?

I have to admit that when I was that busy, time passes by faster AND I get to lose weight - running up and down, left and right. But I am oh so tired. I had a lot on issues I wanted to blog about but because I was too tired to turn on the PC each day, the thoughts just went down the drain of my system.

I stayed up late last night and I'm tired (again!). I'm outz!