Lizzie's nature

I'm at it again, guys. I'm at the point where I wait for the call from Mr-He. When my mobile does not beep, I get angry at anyone and at anything. The only remedy for this self-inflicted disease is a call from Mr-He. Argh! I'm doing it AGAIN! I don't know why. Is this human nature? Or is it maybe just Lizzie's nature? Argh! I just got home and I'm dead tired but I choose not to sleep because I want to wait.I'm crazy. I'm totally crazy. Lizzie, Get a grip of yourself, girl.

Help me out here, guys. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know it would be advisable to end this post on a positive note. But today, this time, just this time (I hope this will be the last time), I choose the easy way out - wallow in self-pity. Merely because positive thinking seems to much of a chore for me right now. It takes too much energy, which I don't have much at the moment. Maybe tomorrow will be different. I hope tomorrow will be different - good different.

I Am Bored Part I

Where Do You Find Love?

Aliza, you find love in a Fairy Tale. Glass slippers, traveling minstrels, knights in shining armor. These are some of the classic components of fairy tales. And when it comes to your real-life love life, you'll take 'em in the form of candy and flowers, poems describing your beauty, tiny velvet boxes, and the like.

Whether you are single or settled, you're a firm believer that the fairy tale shouldn't end when someone is carried over the threshold (though that's a pretty fun part, too).You sometimes have to work to get your head out of the clouds, but your optimistic spirit and love-conquers-all attitude helps you deal with the good and bad that life might throw your way. As long as you can spot a poison apple when it knocks on your door, you'll always be able to find your happy ending.

Even a fantasy romance can lead to true love.

I Am Bored Part II

What Makes You a Real Beauty?

Aliza, your Sense of Humor makes you a real beauty.

That's right, funny girl - you like nothing better than a hearty chuckle to feel better. Laugh lines? Who cares? A sweet and witty woman like you knows that staying young and looking your best is all about the good times you have along the way.An optimist at heart, you're the friend people come to when they need cheering up. Sure, you take important things seriously, but you also know how to look on the bright side and lighten up difficult situations. And there's nothing funny about that. Keep it up!

Expectations so high

Sometimes we expect too much from someone or a certain situation that we get blinded by those expectations. We fail to see the worst case scenarios that could take place. We will only feel pleasure. Pleased that NOTHING could happen. Things couldn't get worse. It could only get better. Thus, we continue to raise our expectations sky high to the point of complacency. Complacent that yes, NOTHING could go wrong. Yes, he will love me for who I truly am. Yes, he will be good to me despite everything. Yes, he could be Da One. Yes, I will accept him eventhough we may lead such contrasting lifestyles. Yes, he will respect me eventhough I was not exactly the nicest female. Yes, he will continue to call and report every single thing that he's doing (or will be doing) eventhough I hate that like hell. Yes, everything will go smoothly and according to plan. Yes, yes, yes.

But good things does come to an end.

I should have known. I'm a "champion" at this game. I've lost so many times. I should be immune to the hurt.Why didn't I learn from my mistakes? Why didn't I see this coming? I should have known. I should have. But I chose to ignore it. I chose to raise my expectations so darn high with each time we communicated.

Was it something I did or didn't do? Was it something I said or didn't say? At times like this, I wish I can be prescribed a new life. A life of no blunders, of perfection where you get everything you wish for. Is there such a life? Maybe there is, maybe there isn't. But for now, I shall make full use of this life, MY life. Spend as much time I can doing what I want with people I cherish and treasure. Working hard to make my dreams come true.

And no, I am not immune to the hurt. No, I can still feel the pain and no, he has not called since then.

OOoOoOo

My heart aches as I reflect on what I did to you,

Though we have never met, I hated the way you made me look like a fool.

Ma said I was rude, Rude to have treated you the way I do,

Now I feel low, Lower than dog's poo.

Her words HURT me so

It hurts so much to hear someone who watched you grow tell to your face that the decision you made is making them miserable. I could have almost cursed her for saying that. But I can't because I love her too much. She taught me about life but it seems that she just couldn't understand me as much as she wants to.

She told me I should have listened to their advice instead of listening to my heart. Masya ALLAH. Why? Why must this happen to me?

O ALLAH, the tears won't stop flowing. I have never intended to trouble them like this. Instead, I wanted to give them the life they gave me when I was a child.

Once, I was told to follow my heart. But now, I am asked to listen to their advice because they saw me through my life. I'm confused. I'm so confused.

Does everyone think that it is easy for me being like this? I hate it too. I hate it even more merely because my decision seems to make everyone so bloody miserable and worried. Worried for me and for themselves. I hate it so!

O ALLAH, at times like this, I need Your Love and Your Strength the most. I need it so I can feel like there IS light at the end of this tunnel. I need the strength to not have to be rude to them. Yes, I have to admit that ever since I left DA company, life has been a complete roller coaster ride. It still is. O ALLAH, at times like this, I wished that .... no, I shall not say it out for it is too painful for me to even feel it.

O ALLAH, her words made me feel like such a failure. I admit I can never measure up to them - ever. First it was school and now career decisions. O ALLAH, can You please let her know that I am always trying very hard to be the best I can. Make the best career decisions as best as I possibly can. All I am trying to find is a career that I enjoy and is passionate about and that can also provide for the family. But most of the time, I can only find one of the requirements. It's either I enjoy the job with a meagre salary or a profession that I loathe but pays darn well. Every day, I pray for THAT particular job to be granted to me. I know You hear me and that all these setbacks are a collection of a tests to see how determined and patient I am. I am trying hard to be positive but they are not in it together with me. It's hard to do it alone, O ALLAH.

O ALLAH, as I was writing this post, I silently prayed that You give me something that could make me feel much better and get on with life with as much enthusiasm as before (or maybe even more). Then I saw this quote and I know my silent prayer was answered. Alhamdullillah. I know I will get through this. It is because of You, O ALLAH. Because You believe in me. Even though the whole world may seem to have given up on me (including them), I know You will always be there for me.

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way.
We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. You are special - Don't ever forget it!

KakakLibraryKu

I am thankful for the friends ALLAH has bestowed upon me. Yes, they are different. Very different. We differ in our thinkings, lifestyle etc. However, today, I feel blessed because Aiza is my friend.

Thank you, KakakLibraryKu. Thank you for taking the trouble to accompany me to Al-Falah Mosque today. These kind of things are very foreign to me but you were so patient to teach them to me. I never thought I would spend a Saturday in a mosque before. Never have I thought it could happen. But it did. Alhamdullillah.

I am most grateful that you were very patient to explain to me the things that were so new and that I never knew existed.Masya ALLAH. Initially, it was quite strange that you were more excited when I asked for you to help to accompany me to Al-Falah as compared to the times when I asked you out just to chill. I could somehow figure it out now and I feel quite silly for not being able to see it before. Hehehehehehe..

Anyways, thank you again, KakakLibraryKu, may ALLAH bless you and your whole family.
Amin ya rabbal alamin

Expected encounter

I knew it! I knew that one of these days I was going to meet Helmi. True enough, I did meet him today. I FORCED him to sit with me at the void deck and we talked about all kinds of stuff. It was enjoyable. It's nice to recall the good old days. Helmi, like I said, shit happens to good people. She don't know what she is missing. You will get a great girl, Mi. Leks jer. Enjoy singlehood for now. Eh aku boring-boring, kau teman aku keluar ah. Hehehehehe.

Children's Day Out!

Today marks the first outing with MY students. On this first excursion with the little ones, we went to Changi Airport and then to Eunos MRT Station. There were 3 significant events that stressed me out like crazy at that particular point of time. However, when I replay back the incidents, it just cracked me up.

I had 2 aunties who helped me took care of the 20 little ones. They were friendly and I wqas thankful for them. I could have probably collapsed right there abd then if not for them. They were indeed very helpful.

Okay now, let's move to the significant events I mentioned earlier.

1) When I was given the medical things (just in case of emergencies), I was also given Insect Repellant. Imagine this! Insect Repellant to be applied to go to CHANGI AIRPORT!! I don't know about you but I happened to think that is rather ridiculous. For those who have never seen Changi Airport before, it is bloody clean, you can actually sleep on the floor or in the toilets. Yes, it is THAT clean.

2) Before proceeding to Changi MRT Station, the kids were brought to the toilet first and this one particular girl was the first to relieve herself.After which, we took the elevator and went to the MRT Station. Eventhough, there were not that many people buying the tickets. My principal to get 80 tickets in total so the wait was pretty long - for the kids especially. After a while of waiting to board the train, the particular girl I mentioned earlier informed me that she wanted to pass urine (again!). As there were no toilets at the MRT station (and also because I thought she was just kidding), I told her to wait for a while and that we will go to a toilet once we reach our destination. That silenced her. 3 minutes later, I heard her shotuing that she had already PASSED URINE IN HER PANTS!! Masya ALLAH. I freaked out. I could have died there. No one offered any help. Sob! Sob! Anyhow, I went to my principal and she informed one of the MRT staff about the incident. He quickly asked for the cleaner's assistance. Fortunately, the cleaner was very nice and helpful. She gave me a plastic bag to place the "dirty" clothes.

When we were in the bus on the way back to school, my throat was as dry as the Sahara Desert. Masya ALLAH. I told myself that I will break my fast once I reach school. But once there, I couldn't bear to do so. I just couldn't. So I endured.

3) After the children went home, the teachers had to stay back and carry on with whatever work that they have. Since I was the only Malay teacher there, I was in a way the ONLY ONE fasting. I went to the office to return the medical stuff and all. Guessed what I saw at the office? The teachers were having their lunch and they were slurping on FRUIT JUICE!!! Masya ALLAH. It was so very trying for me to endure the rest of the day, strengthen my will and not break my fast. Masya ALLAH.

Anyways, I DID endure and when I broke fast just now, I felt very,very accmplished. Alhamdullillah. Thank ALLAH for giving the strength and the willpower.

Mojo (Jojo)

I was just going through my old diary. It does make me feel good to read all the stories of my life. It started off in my poly days where the events mostly involved matters of the heart to the days I spent in my previous company where the feelings penned down involved my career choice and about life.

I could almost recall the incident that took place when I read my old diary. Every single second of it. Scary. I realised that my entries comprises of so many unhappy moments. But the funny thing was that, my friends would always describe me as "....chirpy, bubbly, a joker, an irritant, funny.....". Weird, huh? You would think that with all those unhappy incidents I would be as melancholic as whatever, right?

Anyways, my old diary didn't just made me recall the past. It made me realise that I have quite a collection of poems. (I used to be able to write poems??!! Shesh...) What happened to me now???? Why can't I do that NOW? ARGH!!! Hahahahahahahaha....I gotta get my MOJO back.

Ya ALLAH, O God Almighty,

Ya ALLAH, O God Almighty,
I watched the news today,
And saw the top of a mountain where dead bodies lay,
I wish I would do something to make their hurt go away,
But all I can do is just pray

Ya ALLAH, O God Almighty,
Please help my fellow Muslims,
Please forgive them of all their sins,
Please give them strength so they can get through what they are facin',
And all the children whose parents are missin'.

Ya ALLAH, O God Almighty,
I watched the news today,
And cried as I watched in dismay,
The little boy in a hospital bed he lay,
In a hospital made of clay.

Ya ALLAH, O God Almighty,
Allow the boy to see the light of day,
Allow the innocent Afghans to have their say,
For I am cryin' as I wrote what I saw today,
A prayer for everything to be okay.

Amin

The little girl

A little girl I see,

Hair long, black and silky,

Throwing stones into the sea,

Seashells, seaweeds and brown leaves,

She looks so much like me,

When I was a kid,

Happy, inquisitive, brave and carefree,

How I wish that I'm the little girl I see,

So I won't have to think about you and me.

Blocking walls

I was out in the morning,

Sitting down by the beach,
Writing down my feelings

And answers that I seek,

But now the walls are blocking

Unabling me to write the thoughts that are making me sick.

Ok, I admit. I am no Shakespeare or Maya Angelou but these poems were my lame attempts at poetry. I actually wrote them in 2001. Waaaaaaay back in poly days. A little bit about the history of these poems.

At that point of time, I was extremely heartbroken by well, you guessed it, a guy. He turned out to be one of my most favourite male friends. Back then, mIRC chat was very, very popular and yes, I was also caught up in that. I got to know him from there. We quickly clicked and started talking on the telephone. We would chat till the wee hours every single weekend. It was great! Then silly old me started to develop some feelings for him. Being the ever so "brave" individual that I am, I confessed but was dissappointed. I thought that would be the end of our friendship. However, when I met him online the following day, he chatted with me like nothing ever happen. Being the "very brave" individual that I am (again!), I asked him why he didn't stop being my friend like how most others would react when someone confessed their feelings to them. He didn't think it necessary to go away just because of that, especially when the both of us can click so well.

Life...you win some, you lose some. Thank you, friend. You know who you are. If ever, you are reading this, I want to thank you again for acting the way you did. We may not have talked for the longest time but I will always remember you. You became my friend despite my shortcomings. I hope you are feeling fine and life has been treating you well.

Post-traffic light encounter

In response to my post titled "Traffic light encounter" on October 7 2005, an ex-schoolmate of mine posted this question as you can see from my tag board.

"hey, think abt this, Islamic law that make non-muslims convert if they wanna marry a Muslim-Is dat despicable?I bet not.So how cld 2 ladies who approach n ask u to go to the church be despicable? "

Fizzzaaaa, don't worry. I am not offended by this at all and I know your intentions are pure. Anyways, this post is to clarify this matter - somewhat.

Why I deem the act of the 2 ladies despicable is because they walk around looking for "potential targets". Unlike the Islamic law that Fizzzaaaa mentioned. We do not go around town in an effort to promote and (in a way) force others to become Muslims. This is merely because as Muslims, we know that there is NO COMPULSION IN ISLAM. We do not believe in FORCING people to convert. But the 2 ladies were very persistent. Moreover, the incident was not the first time I encountered this type of people. I remembered there was one time back in secondary school days while I was waiting for a friend of mine, one such person came up to me and boy was she persistent. Even after I repeatedly said "No!", she was very determined to make me attend her religious seminar. This is the main reason why I find that this kind of act despicable. It is because these people merely FORCE one to attend whatever religious meetings that are being held. As per what Kak sharinna said in her comments about there being a quota of some sort. I am not sure of how true that is but I have also heard of such things from another friend of mine. Apparently, there is some kind of a quota amongst them - just like in a sales company. Wallahu alam.

As Muslims, would one rather be a murtad (Astaghfirullah) just so one can marry a non-Muslim? Masya Allah. I am not strong enough to endure the Punishment of ALLAH.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. If it so happens, that love blossom between a non-Muslim and I and none will want to convert, then it is probably for the better. Maybe it is a way for me to strengthen my iman. Insya ALLAH.

I hope whoever who reads this ( a Muslim, Christian, Catholic or whatever your religion is), you will not be offended because these posts are not meant to be a form of discrimination of any religions. Islam does not allow such disregard even to non-Muslims. We are taught to show respect to all living things - including the non-Muslims. It even covers animals. We are not allowed to mistreat animals. I don't know about you. I believe everything is pure and good by default. However, humans (some of them) abuse and manipulatate them and makes it such a horrible thing. For example, I believe all religion teaches good. Like in this case, I respect Christians since I have quite a number of them as friends. However, people like the ladies I mentioned above in a way "disfigure" the good reputation of the religion. The same goes for the extremists. Masya ALLAH. That is why ALLAH encourages us to do eveything in moderation. Eat in moderation, drink in moderation etc. Masya ALLAH.

May ALLAH grant us guidance and strengthen our faith. Insya ALLAH. Amin.

Tze Birken'

I met up with Tze who just came back from Bangkok. (Thanks for the Birkenstock, girl.)

I am so happy for her. She is one of the few people whom I know who are really extremely comfortable in their own skin. She does not try to be someone else nor does she do things just to please others. Despite our differences, I always feel so damn good whenever I am with her.

Anyways, that's not the highlight of this story. Before she went for Bangkok, she did told me about a certain Mr-Mr whom she had been communicating with for quite a bit. However, knowing Tze and her tomboyishness, (Sorry, Tze. But you're still the best. After me, that is. hehehehe) Mr-Mr was just probably going to be "one of the guy friends" - again. But boy, was I wrong. Damn wrong! Mr-Mr and Tze are now bilssfully enjoying couplehood. I am so happy for Tze. She truly deserves it. She is a great girl. Truly a treasure! Anyways, they went to Bangkok together (well, she convinced me that NOTHING happened there. I take your word for it Tze - NOT! Hehehehehehe...just kidding)

That got me thinking when my turn will be, who my Mr-Mr will be, how will he look like, what will his profession be, how tall will he be, how....oops! Got carried away. One thing I've learnt is that you should never, ever LOOK for love. Let it find you. Well, frankly Kakak told me this like a million times but I kept forgetting. Hehehehehehehehe..Oh well...I have no idea when my Mr-Mr will show up, how he will look like or .... Oops! Got carried away - again. Sorry! For now, I will just enjoy my Birkenstock. Lalalalalalalalalalalala

Traffic light encounter

I was walking home from work today. As I passed the swimming complex to get to the traffic light, I saw on the opposite side two ladies - one Caucasian and the other Asian-looking.

As I was waiting for the "green man" to come on, they came and stood beside me since they were also going the same way as me. That was when she started to introduced herself to me. I shall not reveal their nationalities but they were definitely not locals. they were both wearing name tags and "JESUS CHRIST" was in bold and capslock. After her unnecessary introduction, she started to briefly tell me about a certain church that she attends, how long she has been in Singapore and other redundant details. I knew all that was coming. She asked me about my religion. I told her I am Muslim. I thought that the answer would just shut her up. But I thought wrong. Because instead of shutting up, she enlightened me on how there are also Muslims who goes to her church. Fortunately, her friend was going the opposite way so we separated. Alhamdullillah. Allah is great.

Don't get me wrong, people. I have no problem mingling with individuals who are of different race or religion. Staying in a multi-racial society, that is something unavoidable and which I am used to and appreciate greatly. I do have friends who are Christians, Catholic, Buddhist etc. I am able to maintain beautiful friendships with almost all of them. This is merely because we are able to respect one another and not try to impose our beliefs to the other. For me personally, only when a non-Muslim friend of mine asks anything about Islam, I'll try to answer the question as best as I could with the knowledge I possess. I don't go around preaching to my non-Muslims friends about Islam.

I say this a million times but I shall say it again. I don't discrimiate people who are not Muslims or Malay. But I HATE it when people like this do what the 2 ladies as described above did to me. It is downright despicable. How can you force people like that. If you are a true Christian, you will never do what you did. Why I say this is because I believe that no religion would force anyone to embrace it. It should be done willingly and wholeheartedly. I hope none of us would ever have to encounter anything like this ever again. For those of you who are playing with the idea to do something like this, I suggest you think again. You don't like to be forced to do things then don't try to impose your beliefs onto others. We all have minds of our own. Let US make our own decisions.

May ALLAH strengthen our faith, show us to the right path of Islam and keep our faith intact. Insya ALLAH.

Just a thought

I was discussing with a dear friend of mine a while back about the factors that will make your blog really popular. The factors that we could come up with were:

1. You are a celebrity (of some sort. If you're not, then maybe you do know some celebs.)
2. You've got a pretty or handsome face (or probably even good-looking friends)
3. You include sex in your entries (or even sexy, nude pictures or best of all, porn. Your blog will definitely create a "virtual traffic congestion")
4. You overflow your posts with discriminations of any kind etc, etc, etc.

My answer is probably all of the above. The reason why this topic came up was because I was just wondering what actually made so many blogs so popular. When I started blogging in 2003, I wanted my blog to be as popular. But now that I think of it again, I truly believe that it was a crazy thought. I mean, why should I even cares if my blog has thousands of people flocking to read it everyday? It's not like I will get paid for it, right?

Gosh, it's amazing, ain't it? I was so naive and gullible back then. I wanted to do and be excellent at what everyone else thought was cool. Shesh! But those were days that just makes me laugh whenever I reflect on it. The things I said, the people I met, the extent I would go to just to get something I cannot afford but which my friends had, etc. Sighs. Life...

Money squeezed.

You know how sometimes, you are just so broke that the balance cash you have in hand is squeezed to the very last dollar till your next pay. That is what I am going through now.

Lo and behold, yesterday a certain newly-married girlfriend of mine requested for a gathering. When I suggested to organise it sometime after 22nd of October (since that will be after my payday), the reply was, "Don't tell me you don't even have a bit of cash. It's not like we are going to spend a lot."

I don't know about you but I was offended and pretty mad. Here I am trying to scrimp and save my arse off and there you go saying that s**t.

So I told her off by saying that not everyone has the luxury of asking from their husbands if they are short of cash. We have to work for it. She defended herself by saying that her husband didn't earn that much anyways for her to have that luxury. Whatever!

Anyways, I am pissed about this. I know it's just a trivial matter but hey my feelings got hurt.
Whatever it is, I hope she will stop standardising everyone's life according to hers. No one person is the same and that goes to trials and tribulations that they go through daily in their lives. So please just basically THINK before saying.

Permohonanku

Ya ALLAH,

Di dunia yang serba moden ini, tidak ku sangka-sangka bahawa wujudnya perkara yang sebegitu rupa.

Hingga ke sekarang ini, aku dah keluargaku hanya mendengar sahaja cerita-cerita dari sesiapa yang telah mengalami perkara sebegitu. Tidak pernah kami menyangka bahawa kami sekeluarga akan mengalami situasi yang sama.

Sayup and geram rasa kalau diingatkan kembali deritaan yang kami lalui dan sedang melalui ini sekarang. Ini semua akibat perbuatan manusia yang zalim. Tetapi kami tabah, Ya ALLAH. Syaitan itu selalu membisik ke jiwa untuk membalas dendam. Subahanallah. Tidak terampun rasanya dosa-dosa yang telah kami lakukan selama ini. Menyimpan perasaan dendam sebegitu dan melakukan sesuatu balasan kepada mereka adalah terlalu berat untuk kami memikulnya. Kami bertawakal kepadaMu, Ya ALLAH. Biar Engkau sahajalah yang memberi balsan kepada mereka. Kami hanyalah hambaMu yang lemah. Kami tidak akan berupaya untuk melalui liku-liku hidup ini jika tidak keranaMu, Ya ALLAH.

Marah dan benci rasanya setiap kali nama mereka disebut. Tetapi kami akan cuba sedaya upaya untuk melawan perassan negatif seperti itu.

Kami bermohon kepadaMu, Ya ALLAH. Di bulan yang sungguh mulia dan penuh berkah ini dan juga untuk selama-lamanya, lindungilah kami daripada dianyayai oleh syaitan mahupun orang-orang yang zalim. Berikanlah kami pertunjuk ke jalan Islam yang benar, tinggikan lah tahap kesabaran kami dan paling utama sekali eratkanlah tali perkeluargaan kami dan ampunilah dosa-dosa kami.

Ya ALLAH, aku tidak tahu apa yang akan berlaku di masa hadapan. Tapi sebagai seorang Muslim, aku bersyukur kerana aku akan senantiasa rasa tenang setiap kali aku mengingatiMu dengan melakukan solat (atau dengan lain-lain cara). Hampirilah kami, Ya ALLAH. Amin

WOO HOO!

Good news! Selwyn is responding! I guess this is the power of prayers yeah. I was certain that there were a lot of people who prayed for him to get well and be up on his feet. Now, this is the first step towards recovery. Good job, Sel. I knew you could do it! You're a survivor!

The most expensive interview - ever.

I cannot believe I actually went for it. It was the most expensive interview ever. I spent at least $20 on cab fare. Bleurgh! The irony is that I was willing to waste all that money on something I was certain I will not get. I am such a weirdo! Never again shall I waste my time (AND money) on such interviews. Not to say that I will stop trying but I wouldn't go to THAT expense just to get shortlisted - unless my body is stick-thin, I am so tall that I need to bend my head to get into the MRT cabin door and my eyes are not round but one straight line (on each side).

Oh well, shit happens.