Self-confidence never goes out of style

We are always being told about how beauty is only skin deep and it is who we are inside that really counts. But how true is that? It's confusing while in the midst of convincing myself to be contended with my body size and then seeing a slim, pretty local actress on the side of a bus modeling for a certain slimming company smiling brightly and words that say, "Love yourself". What exactly is the advertisement trying to imply? That I can only love myself if I'm stick-thin and be able to fit into two pieces of cloth that covers only my bottom and below private areas? Or maybe I can only love myself if I sign up for one of their beauty or slimming treatments? Despite the numerous debates we can have regarding the "evils" of advertising, most advertisers are not going to stop bringing us down and then attempt to change our lives for the better – but not before we puchase their miraculous product that has never been used before by anyone in the universe.

There are so many factors that can make us forget who we truly are inside, either consciously or unconsciously. These factors can come in the form of peer influences, media influences, busy schedules etc. However, self-confidence is extremely hard to break down only if it is based on a very solid foundation.

Sometimes, we are so conscious of what people think of us that we keep on changing ourselves in order to fit into the kind of person the world wants us to be. But the world is made up of billions of people with varying preferences and perspectives. There will be a serious case of wear and tear if we choose to revolve our lives with the sole intention to please others. There are also times when we try so hard to fit in that we pressure ourselves into doing things that could be detrimental to our own health so that we can get at the very least one compliment about the way we look. We can think of all sorts of things to say or do in order to get noticed. When unsuccessful, dissappointment starts to kick in and we once again crawl back into our little, lonely world of ugliness. It is amazing how critical we are of ourselves, sometimes.

But seriously, we do not need any magical potion or anyone's attention to be self-confident or to feel beautiful. All we will ever need is faith in ourselves. That faith can actually work wonders - only if we search deep within ourselves. Feelings of contentment can give rise to a strong sense of self-confidence.

I used to constantly forget about the boundless gifts that God has granted me because I was busy complicating my life by focusing on another person's fortune. Astonishingly, I will always come across someone who is much worse off than me in one way or another and that will automatically make me realise just how fortunate and complete my life is. It may not be perfect but it is mine.

No one is going to start appreciating me if I myself am not able to like what I see in the mirror. I personally believe that we are presented with choices in any given situations. For example, when I see my reflection, there are two conclusions that can be derived. First, I can choose to see the reflection of a fat, ugly person who is prone to cellulite. Secondly, I can choose to see a woman, who is fully endowed and has no physical disabilities. I will be walking down the road to self-contentment by choosing the latter.

I am not being weak by choosing to accept myself. In fact, I am strengthening my mentality by choosing to be accepting of whom I really am inside and out. As human beings, it is natural to always want more than what we already have. I am not discouraging anyone from having dreams. Go ahead and dream big. But dream realistically. Ask yourself. Do I really need this or is it because she is having it that I wish I had it too? In the course of trying to be appreciated, we forget to treasure the one miraculous "product" that was already and always will be there - ourselves.

Therefore, let's start making life simpler by being less critical of ourselves and more lenient towards the gifts that God has presented us with, even though how imperfect it may seem. At least then, I have to keep in mind of only one person's preference – myself.

Highlights of 2005

2005 is nearly coming to an end and so are my school holidays. I am looking forward to what 2006 has in store for me. Don't get me wrong. It's true that 2005 wasn't very kind to me but I am grateful for all that happened to my family and I. Frankly, I don't wish for it to happen again but since it did, all of us could do nothing other than learn from it.

• The overly-exaggerated saga is still on-going. I am not sure when it will ever end but it is still happening as we speak. It may not be as dramatic and chaotic as before but all I can say is that I wish for it to end soon.
• The newly-weds of my family are enjoying their lives together. I am so happy for them. May ALLAH s.w.t bless them always
• My departure from THAT company that pays so darn well but which I loathes so much. Now I have an occupation that pays good enough but which I simply adores.
• My weight is as unpredictable as ever. The downside of having low metabolism rate. Oh well...
• This year marks the first time I went for terawih prayers with my trusted friend, AizaSherry. Insya ALLAH. May this be not the end but the beginning.
• 2005 also marks the year I was asked for an interview by THAT organisation which can choose to delete my application upon seeing my stoink-faced photograph. I may not have gotten through the first round of interview but hey, that's a start.Hehehehehe...Nonetheless, I am still happy that I got shortlisted. Alhamdullillah.
• Last but not the very least, my love life. I did get to meet and know a few people. Some good, some well...not so good. Some who are just drop dead gorgeous, some who look like my arse but thinks that they're drop dead gorgeous. Some who just seem so right but somehow just didn't work out..yet. Hmmmmm...so many of them. Simply said, I have yet to find my Mr-Mr. Maybe I'll find him in 2006? Maybe not. I don't know. Only ALLAH s.w.t knows. I believe He will not let me be all by myself. I have faith He has someone good for me. My heart has been broken numerous times. But the "bandage" that hold these broken pieces together will not weaken the heart but can only strengthen it. The "bandage" I call Islam.

I second that, Brit.

Britney Spears - Not A Girl, Not Yet A Woman

I used to think
I had the answers to everything
But now I know
That life doesn't always go my way, yeah

Feels like I'm caught in the middle
That's when I realize

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

There is no need to protect me
It's time that I
Learn to face up to this on my own, oh

I've seen so much more than you know now
So don't tell me to shut my eyes

I'm not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl

But if you look at me closely
You will see it in my eyes
This girl will always find her way

(I'm not a girl) I'm not a girl, don't tell me what to believe
(Not yet a woman) I'm just trying to find the woman in me, yeah
(All I need is time) Oh, all I need is time
That's mine, while I'm in between
I'm not a girl, not yet a woman
All I need is time
A moment that is mine
While I'm in between
I'm not a girl, ooh
Not yet a woman

When Life presented you with such lovely individuals who will always care and want to protect you as much as they could, you can't help but be pampered. Nonetheless, there will come a time when you are on your own. The decisions you make must that be of your own. You can listen to the opinions of others but eventually, YOU have to decide for yourself. When you do fall, YOU are the one feeling the most pain but it should comfort you knowing that those individuals will always be there to cushion or if not, help to lift (your spirits) up after every fall.

Yes, I am still a girl. I believe I will always be a girl. My family's little girl. I can never change that. But I am growing to be a woman as well now. I do not wish to be a girl OR a woman. I would like to be both. Greedy? Yeah but I don't care. I believe that I am better off being a balance of both. But it's quite hard though. It's hard to juggle the (almost) perfect balance to be both girl AND woman. But it's not impossible. I know I can do it and I will. Not many ladies can do it. But I know of some who can and they inspire me.

I do not want to make this seem as a resolution for 2006. This is more of like a long-term goal.

No one said it was this hard

If only Life provided a handbook for me. A complete guide to career, family interactions, financial matters and especially relationship.

I am learning. Learning about everything after 22 years of living. Yes, yes I am a late bloomer. At least I admit to that. I really wish so. Really hope for that handbook.

Another one of those analysis thingey

What does your handwriting say about YOU?
You plan ahead, and are interested in beauty, design, outward appearance, and symmetry -- Planning ahead is good but I don't do it all the time. Sometimes, you just take it as it comes.

You are a person who thinks before acting, intelligent and thorough. You are affectionate, passionate, expressive, and future-oriented. -- Think before acting? Hmmm...Well, I do consider the consequences before making a very big decision. But like I said, life is such that you can't always plan ahead and keep on thinking. If not, you'll be too scared to try. Yes, you may get hurt (emotionally or physically) but you must learn from your mistakes. I simply try to live life to the fullest!

You are a talkative person, maybe even a busybody! -- Woo Hoo! This thing's good!

You are self-confident and like to bring attention to yourself -- Self-confident? Hmmmm..almost there. Like to bring attention to yourself? No doubt!Hehehehehe

What Colour Are You?

Mine is....Orange

You're a bold, confident orange. A warm, powerful color that indicates a strong, welcoming personality, orange is the mark of people who are social and extroverted by nature. Vibrant, with an upbeat attitude, you have a bright, inviting demeanor. Energetic and fun-loving, you're a real friend-magnet. Your easy charm and unassuming manner make you the sort of person people want to meet and get to know better. Well-rounded and fun to be around, you enjoy helping others, so it's no surprise that orange also symbolizes attraction. Orange is an extraordinary color — for an extraordinary person.

It can and it might

It's so dangerous, it's almost lethal,
It can be an elixir or a poison to one's soul,
It bring happiness or sadness that can almost make one become breathless,
It can be so beautiful or uglier than the bottom of a baboon,
It can be extremely exciting or dull as a mule,
It can be everlasting or temporary like a contract-based job,
It can set you free or tie you down like a caged animal,
It can be so reassuring that it makes you doubtful of yourself and everything else,
It may provide all the answers to all your questions,
It can be that of a dream come true or it can be a nightmare that wakes you up in the middle of the night, leaving you all shivery and afraid of what's to come.
It can come cheap but it can also cost you your life,
It is what I call Love.

One Saturday..

What a day last Saturday (17th December 2005) was! Fai and me went out to just chill downtown. Fantastic! We had a great time. We talked and talked and talked and walked and talked some more. Check out the pictures we took. Fabulous! I was a little reluctant at times to pose because there were like a gazillion people at Orchard Road that day but I was not about pass out the one-time opportunity to posing-posing with Fai. Anyways, check out Fai and Me tawaf town on 17/Dec.

My blood brothers and sister

2005 saw me strengthening the love between my siblings and I. Not that it needed anymore modifications to be stronger but the love between us was multiplied nonetheless.

I have always been envious of them being better than me in so many ways. They are independent, clever, good-looking, charming - evrything I was not. I was just a chatterbox. I talk too much and I was just full of "rubbish". Self-confidence was such a big issue which I had to overcome. It was there but never really dealt with. I chose not to; in a hope to go through less pain and jealousy.

But the three of us are now grownups - somewhat. We have gone through so much as a family. Sibling rivalry never was successful to bring us apart and so was she - that horrible, horrible woman.

My charming abang can be extremely annoying at times. I believe that the nickname he gives me will never change even if I have an hour glass figure. But I love him. He went through a lot. At one point of time, I was constantly irritated at him - for reasons even I am not sure of. But I slapped myself on the face when he fought for me to get my pay from that wretched place. I pondered on my egoness (and slapped myself again when I realised how I was becoming more and more like THAT woman. Masya ALLAH. Na 'uzubillah). He hurts inside and I hope that by being around us, he somewhat feels loved and will regain the confidence to live this journey we call Life. Abang, please do not ever feel like what happened was a burden to the family because it's not. It never was and never will be. You are our brother, brother-in-law and son and we love you for who you truly are. We will stick by your side as much as we possibly can. We are a family. Families don't leave anyone behind. We stick together - forever. Insya ALLAH

My lovely kakak is just one in a million. I love her to bits as well. I was both sad and happy when she got married. Happy that she will be with the one man who loves her and whom she loves very, very much. Sad because I know for certain that things will change. She will have less time for me and I will not be able to have her ALL BY MYSELF. I hated that because like my abang, she taught me a gazillion things. She was there to see me through my heartaches with all those morons who hurt this fragile being. She gave me advice on things I can never talk to anyone but my own sister. She never literally expressed her feelings when I hurt but I could sense how much her insides ache too seeing me all forlorn and teary-eyed. She tried to be firm with me but she is oh so gentle to be so. I am now brave enough to express my love for my sister by resting my (heavy) head on her shoulders or thighs - and she never moved an inch to push my head away. *bliss*

Just like my brother and father, Abang Fitri is living proof that besides the men in my family, the world still does consists of such rare gems from the opposite gender. The kind, loving, responsible, beriman but yet firm and strong in character type of man. (Am not sure if there is any left for me? I hope so.)

Why do I suddenly have all these strong emotions? I really am not sure. But what I do know is that if I die one day (it could be tomorrow), I would like these individuals mentioned above to be able to read this blog and know how much I am appreciative of all the wondrous things they have done for me and how intense my love is for them. Thank you, Abang, Kakak and Abang Fitri. You guys helped me overcome everything together with all the rest of the jolly people of the world.

That's them on top. Abang's head got chopped off a little bit because my mother was the one who captured this photograph. That's quite self-explanatory, ain't it? Hehehehe. Love you guys..

Future looks relaxing

When everything around you seems to be going wrong, a little time away might be just what you have been looking for. It may not be to any exotic or one of those countries with the four seasons. It's just a state in our neighbouring country. My family and I will be visiting my auntie's family who is like part of our family as well.

The 4-hour drive along the expressway may be just what I need to truly get back on track. Sitting back with both my feet up and listening away to my mp3s. Yeah, that's bliss.

On top of the other

Just when you thought things could not get any worse, it does. You are faced with yet another crisis to handle. It feels like the attack just keeps on coming and it's never going to end. Very slowly (but surely) you try to pick yourself up.You know the problems aren't going to vanish into thin air by simply ignoring it. You try to tackle and solve the situation but in the midst of the struggle, life took a a different turn and decided to drop another bomb on your ongoing warzone.

It seems almost unbearable at times but I believe I will get through all this. I know ALLAH challenges those whom He loves. I guess this is a test as to how far my belief in Him is. I presume too that He is bringing me back to reality because of my own complacency. Maybe all these problems are a warning for me to show "who's Boss" - it's definitely not me.

Amidst all the sudden good fortune, I unconsciously distanced myself from Him and forgot the fundamental duties as a Muslimah. All these heart-wrenching events are like slaps across the face to wake me up before I fall into a much deeper sleep, making it hard for me to wake up to reality.

I shall persevere.

Control

There is one thing I would like to blog about but which I shall not attempt to do so..yet. I shall wait for the right time. Only then will all of you know what it is. I hope the entry I make then will be that of pure happiness and not of rage.

Not again

I failed my final theory....yet again! That was my opening line for every MSN conversation I had with my friends today.

I was in a way expecting to flop yet again (eventhough miracles do happen. maybe just not to me...yet). However, I am still bummed when I saw FAILED in big and bold letters after painstakingly answered the 50 stupid questions.

ARGH! I am tired of failing this dumb test. The 4th of January 2006 will see me all smiles when I walk down the stairs of SSDC because then I will be able to proceed on to the next level to getting my darn license! Woo Hoo!

Silly me

Astaghfirullah.

What have I let myself become? I allowed my emotions to take control. I gave it too much control that it made me so mad, depressed and sick. It made me felt like puking and my chest hurts that was almost hard to breathe. Maybe this is what depression feels like.

Currently, I am faced with yet another trauma. I thought it would be easy but I was wrong. I made a mistake of counting my chickens before they hatch. The pain was almost unbearable. I was dizzy at one time and the next minute I was irritated at almost everything that passes my way. I wasted the whole of yesterday, allowing my emotions run my life. What a waste.

Frankly, I am slowly (but steadily) trying to gain full control. A thought came to mind yesterday. Maybe the reason why I have been extremely emotional and felt so melancholic is because I have been distancing myself from Him. I sort of got complacent and somewhat forgot about my duties. O ALLAH, please forgive me.
How silly of me.

My dear friends, thank you so much for all your encouragement. We may not see each other as much as we want to but I know that you are there. Sometimes, you just need that slap on the face to wake you up and smell the coffee. I got that slap and I thank you all for that (no sarcasm. I really mean it.) Love you loads. Thanks people.

I made a choice today

I am melancholic. I truly am. What a way to start the morning. It feels like nothing can cheer me up - not even the chirpiest song. My ears seems to pick up sounds that send the same sort of vibe. It's sick. To be melancholic that is. But I need to. Sometimes, I feel tired to have to be happy. About being not loved by a Mr-Mr (which currently is no one in particular. It is even more sad than it already is.) At times, it is easier to be depressed. Why is it so tiring? Why is it such a chore to have to keep your spirits? Why is a burden to be optimistic and look at the brighter side of things? Why? Why? Why?

Some might say that it's because I try too hard. Try so hard to be happy. Well, at least I try, right? Shouldn't I be given credit for that? Maybe not. Some suggest that I should identify the root of my depression. What is it that is making me feeling so down and under like this? What? What? What?

Okay, here goes. Upon reading this, some might laugh. Some might think of me as pathetic. Some might even take this opportunity to bring me down even further (I dare you to do that. You will not like being you when I'm up again, if you choose to take up my challenge.) Whatever! I need it out of my system. I need it to be taken out and thrown into the Red Sea. Down, down into the abyss.

I AM JEALOUS!

JEALOUS!

JEALOUS!

JEALOUS OF THOSE WHO WILL BE GUARANTEED OF THE SUPPORT FROM THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER IN WHATEVER THEY DO!

JEALOUS OF THOSE WHO HAVE THE ABILITY TO HOLD THE HAND OF THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER WHILE WALKING DOWN THE STREET WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD!

I AM JEALOUS OF THOSE WHO HAVE FOUND THE LOVE OF ONE WHO WILL LOVE THEM NO MATTER HOW THEY LOOK!

I AM JEALOUS OF THOSE WHO LOOK LIKE FUCK BUT IS STILL ABLE TO BE LOVED BY THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHER!

I AM JEALOUS OF THOSE WHO LOOKED FOR THAT SOMEONE AND FOUND THEM!

I AM JEALOUS OF THOSE WHO NEVER SET OUT LOOKING FOR THAT SOMEONE BUT IS STILL ABLE TO FIND THEM!

I AM JEALOUS OF YOU FUCKS!

I AM JEALOUS OF THE LADIES WHO GET ALL DRESSED UP WHEN THEY GO OUT AND HAVE MEN SWOONING OVER THEM!

I AM JEALOUS OF LADIES WHO DON'T DRESS UP AND STILL HAVE MEN SWOONING OVER THEM!

JEALOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM SO FUCKING JEALOUS!

There I said. Now let me wallow in self-pity.

Liztionary - Mirth

Mirth

Dictionary - Gladness and gaiety, especially when expressed by laughter.

Thesaurus - amusement, cheer, cheerfulness, convulsions, entertainment, festivity, frivolity, frolic, fun, gaiety, gladness, glee, grins, happiness, hilarity, hysteria, hysterics, jocularity, jocundity, jollity, joviality, joyousness, kicks, laughs, laughter, levity, lightheartedness, merriment, merrymaking, pleasure, rejoicing, revelry, sport, whoopee.

Sentence Structure - Acknowleding and enjoying my singlehood was like experiencing Monday Morning Mirth - full of fun and frivolity.

StuckWitU

Okay, I cannot get this song out of my head. Simply said, it is stuck in my mind. I don't really fancy the strippers-or-actors-or-models-turn-singers type but this song just grows on you. Well, on me at least.

PussyCatDolls - StickWitU

Ohhh.. Oh Oh..
I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you, exactly what is on my mind
Seems like everybody is breaking up
And throwing their love away
But I know I got a good thing right here

That's why I say (Hey)

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u, my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u

I don't wanna go another day
So I'm telling you, exactly what is on my mind
See the way we ride, in our private lives
Ain't nobody gettin' in between
I want you to know that, you're the only one for me (one for me)
(What I'm sayin' is)

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u, my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u

And now, ain't nothing else I can need
And now, I'm singing 'cause you're so, so into me
I got you, we'll be making love endlessly
I'm with you (baby I'm with you)
Baby you're with me (baby you're with me, higher)

So don't cha worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you, and you know me
And that's all that counts
So don't cha worry about
People hanging around
They ain't bringing us down
I know you, and you know me
And that's, that's why I say (Hey)

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u (come on)
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u, my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u

Nobody gonna love me better, I must stick wit u forever
Nobody gonna take me higher, I must stick wit u
You know how to appreciate me, I must stick wit u, my baby
Nobody ever made me feel this way, I must stick wit u

Tag Tag Bo Bag - I've Been Tagged! Bummer.

Okay, there's always a first time for everything. I am not sure who started this thing (What were you thinking?!?!?!). Tell you the truth, I seriously did not know how this whole tagging thing works. I'm serious. No kidding. (Okay, I'm stoink so shoot me. :p ) Okay, by looking at Fai's tagging confessions (she was responsible for having made me do this! ARRRRRGH! hehehee...you know I got love for you right, babe?) I am supposed to enlighten whoever is reading this humble blog of mine 5 weird/random things about moi. Okay here goes...

A - Almost every single person I meet will think that I am Indian (there was this one time, this lady thought I was Eurasian. Muakakakak) or whatever but Malay. They always mistake me for having Indian blood running through my veins eventhough there is none. My dad is Javanese and my mother is Malay. No, Indian blood at all. They say I got Indian features. Huh? I don't see that. I look in the mirror everyday, a million times daily but I still cannot see the Indian-ness in me. I'm confused.

B - I love the sun, sand and sea. The warmth as well as that sticky feeling you get at the beach makes me feel healthy. I love the salty smell of the beach. But never, ever, ever force me to go swimming. Be it in the swimming pool or sea. I will prefer to just build sandcastles or something other than being in the water. Don't you ever get the feeling like some kind of force might just pull you down, down into the abyss? Or worse still, sharks or even crocodiles might be lurking underwater waiting for a prey and your pair of legs just so happen to be dangling in sight?

C - I am truly a 16-year old stuck in the body of an adult.

D - I love repetitions (I told you I'm still growing up). If I like a certain thing, like say, a song, I can repeat it for a million times. Seriously. No kidding.

E - I cannot stand taugehs (which basically means beansprouts). Whenever I have meals outside, I will inform the waitresses beforehand to exclude taugehs from my noodles or rice. However, if I forget to do so (I am human, after all), I will not mind spending the first few minutes putting aside all the taugehs at someplace far, far away from my plate.

Okay, that's done. Now I just have to tag 5 other people. Okay, here goes...(drum roll, please)

i) AizaSchmaiza - It's about time you update that blog of yours, girlie.
ii) (Abang)Zuhri - Tell me your deepest darkest secrets, bang. hehehehehe
iii) KakakKu - Jangan berlengah lagi, Cikgu.
iv) HaizamBillieJoe - C'mon spill, bro.
v) HelmiDeathStar - Talk to me, baby.

Okay doks, people. Have fun tagging others. Spread the love!

P/S: Oh yeah, did I tell you, now that you already know 5 of my best kept secrets you as well as your next 7 generations are doomed to die a tragic death? They will die in shock (ala The Ring) with their hands on the keyboard, typing Lizzie is the most beautiful chick ever.

PP/S: Did I also tell you that the curse thingey above is just a joke?

Oprah made my cry

I watched The Oprah Winfrey Show today. If I guess correctly, the topic was Living through the Worst Day of Your Life. The worst day for me would probably be something like falling down when I realised how late I was for work. Then meeting an inconsiderate parent who requests for unreasonable things. Well, that's the worst day I can think of right now. But how naive I was.

Oprah invited ladies who had been through even worst day than I can ever think of. Ever.

Two of the ladies lost all their children to their ex-husbands. They were shot to death by their own fathers. How can anyone has the heart to kill their own offsprings? How can anyone bear to do that? I can never understand it. Imagine hearing and losing your babies to their own father all at once. It must be heart-breaking.

There were two other ladies who had even more heart-breaking stories.

I cried buckets when I watched today's episode. It was so painful to see those ladies having to go through what they went through. I cannot say that I know how they feel because frankly, I don't. Call me selfish but to tell you the truth, I do not want to want to be able to say that. But I salute them for wanting to still continue living life after going through such a difficult time of their life.

When I watched them speak and describe (probably for the thousandth time) the incident as well as how they feel afterwards, I felt my chest tightened. It hurts so bad to hear their stories. I cannot imagine what it must have felt like having to physically go through it themselves. Masya ALLAH.

O ALLAH, give them strength to survive (and continue living) after having gone through such a difficult time in their lives. They may not be Muslims but may those torturous events be a light to lead them back to the right path of Islam. O ALLAH, protect the rest of us from having to experience such heartaches. Ever.

Amin

Reading is fun - but when can I start?

Oh gosh! You know how it's like sometimes when you have prepared to spend some quality time at home, reading the tonnes of book you had borrowed from the library while lying down on your (sofa)bed all day long but....somehow you end up spending the whole day outside, with your friends hanging out and doing the complete opposite? Well, I know. I did so for three whole days, actually.

Monday - I was actually planning to stay home right after Aiza suggested to have an outing next Monday (instead of that day itself). Fortunately, Sab said she was bored (and heck, so was I), the both of us went out instead. With the Christmas decorations up, we cannot resist snapping away.

It was ages since I last watched a movie. Anyways, Sab suggested that we go catch one but Just Like Heaven was not showing at any of the cinemas in the town area. Can you believe that??? Three cinemas and not one was showing the movie. Maybe it's because it's not open yet?Hmmmm...Whatever. Anyways, we caught Prime. Damn! That guy, the young one who had that fling with Uma Thurman. Damn! He is sooooooo very fine. WOO HOO! I was just hyper throughout the whole movie. He is just bloody good-looking. ARGH! Okay, back to reality, Lizzie.

When I looked at my body after I took the pictures, I was ashamed of myself because I thought the top I wore made my chest area (ahem, ahem) looked extra large (not that my assets needed anymore enlargement of any kind) and hence, my whole physicality looked round and big. I recalled a message an ex-colleague of mine, Daing, sent me on Friendster (which I have yet to reply),

'........however you pose, you still look round...."

I would have just punched his face if he was right in front of me. But fortunately, he was not. If he was indeed in front me, he would not be alive to see me type this in response to his above comment.

Yes, I am round no matter how I pose. I cannot take the knife and cut down the excess fat eventhough, I would be glad if I could do so. So I shall just keep on posing in this round body I call my own. And you know what, I feel fulfilled, complete and just plain beautiful.

Tuesday - I went out to the new library at Bugis with Mak, Kakak, Dorna and Mak Syidah. I borrowed four books. Currently, I have five books to read including the novel I borrowed from Kakak. Two titles which I borrowed might raise some eyebrows and have some people wondering why.

I hope Nasty People -How to Stop Being Hurt by them without stooping to their level and How to Deal With Annoying People will aid me in the future. You never know who you might encounter in the course of this journey we call Life.

Wednesday - was absolute makan (Malay for eating) day for me. My insurance agent (by the way, he was Kakak's friend in poly) treated me to lunch at Swensen's. After which, we had my sister and two other of her friends join us for Chicken Little. (The movie was fabulous. Chicken Little reminds me a lot like myself. Silly and stupid. One whom no-one really listens to but when we prove ourselves, we really do it with a bang! The only difference between Chicken Little and me is that I have yet to make that one dramatic-life-changing difference. Oh well...Soon.) We had dinner at this kopitiam at Upper Changi Road (which was not as delicious as expected but our stomachs were filled, nonetheless.) We then wrapped up the day's agenda by drinking sugarcane at East Coast Food Court (did I ever mention to non-Singaporean readers how we locals just simply love eating?).

Phew! Did reading ever made it to my agenda the last few days? A big NO! Funny how reading was (notice how the past tense is being used here. Minor details.) actually my main priority before the week even started. Oh well....

Quay Point

I had an incredible day yesterday. I met up with a friend from my polytechnic, Yati. She's already married and is now expecting! How exciting.

Anyways, we did not do much exactly. (I have no problem with that. We just slacked and bitch all day long. Bliss) She is such a sweetheart. She fetched me up and even sent me back. How lovely.

Anyways, we went from Orchard Road to Boat Quay or was it Clarke Quay. I can never get these two quays right. Seriously, I always mix them up. Hehehehe
We ended up sitting at one of the quays, away from the pubs and into the quieter part of it. Of course, with my digicam in tow, I can never resist click, clicking away.

I am dead tired. We over-walked! Hehehehehe... ( Is that such a thing? )

We met some celebrities too today. Two of them, to be precise.

First, we met Dennise Keller - MTV VJ. Darn! She is so skinny and so, so tall. I think she does a lot of yoga because she walks really straight. Of course, she would walk straight unless she's drunk. What I mean to say was that her backbone. She don't slouch. Damn! Maybe I should start some yoga soon.

Second celeb was Baihakki Khaizan. He is getting quite publicised both ofr his soccer skills as well as some modelling stuff. When I first saw his picture, I thought he was 26 or even 28 at least. But guess, how old he is? Based on my resources ( *wink* *wink*), he is only 21 years old! WHAT?!?! He's younger than me?!?!?! DAMN! ARGH! We could have been good together - you and me. kekekekekeke... Earth to Lizzie. Anyways, I was doing an Internet Search on him and found this interview.

Last question, and it's something for the girls. What qualities do you look for in a girl?

Baihakki: She's got to be sweet, caring, understanding and wife-material!

Baihakki Khaizan, that girl is right here waiting (that sounds like a song). Maybe we can build a home together and get to show the world on MTV's Footballers' Cribs - Singapore style? Muakakakaka...Okay people, go and clean up all your pukes now. Show's over. :p

Dr. HOUSE

An obese 10 year old daughter takes slimming pills secretly just so that she can fit in. She wants to stop feeling disgusting, feeling fat.

Instead of serving as an elixir to all the "poison" her surroundings injected her with, it made her sick. Those darn slimming pills. So sick that she had to be hospitalised. Her condition got worse. Her chest starts to burn, literally. Burn marks start to appear and her chest became bloody.

Doctors prescribe for her breasts to be amputated in order for her to get well.

Should mother sign the papers in order for the surgery to take place?

Virtual Saga - This is for you, Aza.

Today will be the day I am going to diss someone without any censorship. My blood is boiling. The person responsible for making me feel this way is Azhar. The Azhar ("affectionately" referred to as Aza) who goes to a local university. Anyways, I sincerely hope he will read this one day. Some of you may ask why oh why do I create this post instead of just letting him know my true feelings? Well, you see its hard to talk sense to this guy. He seldom listens. He always have something "intelligent" to respond but hey, as a human being with feelings, I understand that you do that because you too, like me, need to defend yourself so I respect that.

Anyways, I have to admit that generally, he is a great guy. (Just for the record, he is just a virtual friend. We have never met. And judging from what happen today, I don't think we will ever meet.) However, he or should I say we always seem to fight whenever we had our chats. Almost everytime we chatted, there will always be a fight regarding whatever. But today was the limit. Today was the peak.

While we were chatting today, Aza asked for my age AGAIN. That's okay because people forget. No problem there. When I jokingly replied,

"18...",

he responded by saying that he thought I was joking because I looked like I am 30 years old - complete with his fucked up smileys. I dont see that as a problem. I mean how boring life would be without laughter, right? Probably thinking that his jokes are so bloody hilarious (as if!), he continued by asking (again) how come I was younger than Dearie (Okay, I don't want to disclose my friend's name so let's call her dearie. By the way, this friend of mine was the one who introduced Aza to me.) Of course, I could have responded like this,

"You fucking blind or something, aza? Of course im fucking younger than her, u dimwit!"

But no, I chose to respond like this,

"Of course, I'm younger than her. DUH! Aza, you better nt let me meet you in person. ARGH! *angry smiley face* "

After which he chose to wonder why oh why yours truly is always so fucking mean to him. He wonders too what he had done to moi to make me always so damn fucking mean to him. WHAT?!?! Aza, you have no bloody idea how fucking mean I can be, dude.

Enough wondering, later Aza proceeds to compare me with Dearie, that dear, dear innocent friend of mine. To him, I am the devil while Dearie is such a nice girl. By this point, I felt like punching someone in the face and he was the priviliged one - if only he was in front of me. Ass! Not only was he making me confused (what the fuck did I do to you to make you say all this shit about me?), he was pissing me off to the max.

Like as if that is not enough charcoal to make me all fired up, he adds by saying,

"Yaa dun understand? nvmlah..its hard for kids to understand adults..." (This is of course after he gets it into his thick skull that I AM YOUNGER than Dearie.)

Breathe in, breathe out, Lizzie, breathe Lizzie, breathe Lizzie

So now I'm a kid? Breathe. You guys understand where all this rage is coming from? Seriously, fuck him. So what if he is going to get an engineering degree? So what if I don't wear tudung like Dearie? (By the way, he rubs in on the fact that I don't wear tudung and makes me seem like I'm the most horrible Muslimah in the entire universe just because I'm not covered up. The nerve!)

I was just damn fucked up so I said this to him,

"Aza, im very offended by what u said and i tink ure being very rude. seriously, i dun need all this from u or anyone. if im so mean to you and u dun 1a tok 2 me anymore, juz say so. ill buzz off"

Finally realising that he has stepped on the lioness's tail, he backed off by saying how he was just kidding (oh fucking bullshit!) and that orang Muslim tak baik bermusuhan apatah lagi bertengkar (Save that for next Friday's sermon, bro).

Breathe, Lizzie.

Seriously, don't these people have brains? Don't they know that they hurt people's feelings by what they say sometimes?

I am glad that he is just a virtual friend. I don't want to hate him. Mak once said that I might just end up with the boy I hate. Na 'uzubillah. So Aza, I don't hate you but please, please stop doing this to others. Or maybe you do that only to me? Well, then fuck you if so.

Mak taught me to not diss people on the Internet because you never know how he/she might just end up reading it. But seriously, I don't care. Aza, how can you say all those things to me? Jahat sangat ke aku ni sebab aku tak pakai tudung? Buruk sangat ke perangai aku ni?

I cried. I cried because I am so darn angry with all these nasty things he said to me. I know I shouldn't care about what he said because he don't know anything about me. Chats on the Internet doesn't make him a Lizzie expert. I seriously wish he would change - for the better. I hope none of you my dear friends and readers ever have to encounter such a person. Someone who can be extremely nice to you but who actually turns out to be a nerd with fangs and a selfish heart.

Liztionary - Mettle

Mettle

Dictionary - Prepared to accept a challenge and do one's best.

Thesaurus - animation, ardor, backbone, bravery, caliber, courage, daring, dauntlessness, disposition, energy, fire, force, fortitude, gallantry, gameness, grit, guts, hardihood, heart, indomitability, kidney, life, make-up, moxie, nature, nerve, pluck, quality, resolution, resolve, spirit, spunk, stamina, stamp, starch, strength, temper, temperament, valor, vigor, vitality

Sentence Structure - He had no other choice but to mettle through the situation for the sake of his child and because he knows that the truth shall prevail one day and the whole world will be able to find out the truth behind his decision.

Not a LOVE letter

I received a letter today. A letter that simply made me more thankful than I ever will be.

Have you ever been through a time when everything just does not seem to fall into place but suddenly, everything changed? Change for the better and pangs of guilt mixed with gratefulness just got too much for you to bear that tears rolled down your cheeks? I experienced that today. That letter was the cause of it.

I went through a lot of rough times ever since I decided to change my career path. The worst part was that I was not the only one affected, my family was going down with me. I hated that feeling. But now, everything is going to change. Tomorrow seems much brighter.

Soon, I will be able to do the one thing that I love and the figures I receive each month will be more than enough to accommodate my expenditure. Insya ALLAH, my parents will not have to worry about me financially. My prayers have been answered. Soon, I will be able to teach at a school of my dreams (where I can learn a teaching approach so different from the one that I was exposed to while growing up), receive a reasonable salary (one that is able to pay for my monthly expenses as well as still allow me to save for those rainy days) and last but not least, do something I love most in the world - TEACH! I have no idea how children in that school will be like but I am willing to give it a try. I want to excel in this field and so I have to start small. At one point of time, I felt quite reluctant to take it up because the position offered to me was that of an assistant but you have to start somewhere, right? I'm willing to learn the ropes in order to climb the ladder and get to the top.

I CAN MAKE IT! Insya ALLAH.

WORLD AIDS DAY

Today is WORLD AIDS DAY. There are a lot of programmes airing shows and documentaries about the disease, especially mtvasia.com. MTV is a great tool to create awareness about the disease as almost every youngster from all over the world is an MTV addict. Despite most of the crappy shows that they air (eg: MTV Whatever Things, that Andy something-something show and all other reality shows), I have to admit that the people at MTV is making the "power" and influence that they have in the generation of today (and tomorrow) to good use.

When I was younger, I used to ponder about why as Muslims, there are a lot of things that we are not able to do or touch. However, as the years go by, ALLAH provides me with the answers in the form of the education and general knowledge that I unconsciously obtain from interacting with people, books I read, places I go to etc.

Sex was one of the issues that "amazes" me but which I would rather keep mum due to all the taboos surrounding it. I used to ponder why is it that there are people who have sex so freely, it's like almost a competition amongst them. I wondered why abstinence was required of us. I wondered and wondered and now I know. AIDS was the reason why abstinence is the best solution. Multiple sexual partners, unprotective sex etc.

Allahu akbar. Verily HE knows what is hidden from us.

O ALLAH, protect us from the devil as he whispers in our ears to indulge in lust and in turn, turning our backs from the effects of that short pleasure. O ALLAH, grant us the perseverance and determination not to comply with the sweet promises of the devil. O ALLAH, protect my Muslim brothers and sisters who are HIV positive. Let this be an opportunity for them to repent and make full use of whatever time that they have. Give them the strength to go on living. O ALLAH, strengthen our faith and be near us always for we are nothing without You. Amin