Episode 2 - You and only you alone can come into the house.

Brother's dearest sister was not let into the house. Reason being her son does not like her coming into the house because she was rude to say things that the old hag deserves. All sister could do was watch and pray from the gate of the house. Watch her brother being provoked by two she-devils using the tiny infant as a bait. Praying that ALLAH gives him the patience and make him the champion that he is. Praying so hard that her brother would stay calm and that Allah to be by his side, reassuring him that all will be okay as tears of sadness rolled down the cheeks of this man. Those tears were not because the woman who was supposed to attend to his needs after his mother has passed on the responsibility to her decided to just walk out of the house and go off to her mother's place. (despite the fact that there was no form of physical abuse, drug abuse or any reasonable excuse for her to shirk her responsibilities on her husband.) But tears of sadness because the infant he waited for for six years has to undergo such madness. May Allah protect her and be by her side always so as to give her the comfort and reassurance she needs at times like this.

Thank Allah this episode ended peacefully when the old hag finally stopped stalling and opened the darn gate. Subahanallah.

Episode 1 - Police and bitch

It was like a scene right out of a documentary pertaining to the various kinds of family disputes imaginable. What with the police, screaming mother-in-law with the infant in her hand,neighbours peeping through their door-holes, frustrated brother, who happens to be the infant's father, and his sister. It was all too real. The surroundings, emotions, noise were all perfect. Perfect enough to win Best Reality Show at any upcoming award shows. Unfortunately, it will not be eligible for the award as there was no director, make-up artistes or someone to say, "Cut!" It was reality. Not part of showbiz but reality.

Many times one could only imagine ever being caught in such a situation. The emotions, anger, sadness are only what we think the actors who play those roles would feel. However, when you are really caught in the situation, all fired up, tensed and all, only Allah could help you from doing anything harsh. It was only the belief in Allah that can keep one from throwing her shoe (or any nearby object) into the face of that old hag.

Shopping spree - somewhat

FABULOUS! Just came back from my light shopping. It was WOO HOO! Niiiice...bought 2 tops, 2 bottoms and a blue scarf. Wanted to continue the trip to EXPO for the POPULAR warehouse sale but bailed the last minute. I decided that I should keep the balance for "rainy days", if you know what I mean. Some extra cash can always come in handy. Anyways, we (that would be yours truly, Kakak and Mum) were too busy shopping or helping me shop for the stuff, that not many pictures were taken. Anyways, took some shots but I would just include this particular one.

For your information, Mum was indeed tired so the offer to come closer and pose for the picture turned out to be the perfect opportunity for her to just lay her head on my shoulders. Anyways, I have to admit Kakak is looking great nowadays wit her fabulous, modern and updated fashion sense. Now I am the one taking fashion tips from the newly wed.

Chillz...

YAY! Finally, I can take a break. It's the weekend! Can't wait to go out with Mak and Kakak later. I hope to do some light shopping. The key word is light. I can't afford to go over the budget. Must stick to it.

Anyways, did I mention that I changed my handphone? No? Oh yes, I am now the proud owner of Sony Ericsson K300i. Yes, I now own a mobile with a camera function! Hahahahahaha...I know, I know. Cameras on mobiles are no longer the 'in' thing now but who cares. I love it and that's all that matters.

A serious turn of events

It seems ages since I last came online and updated my blog. This is mainly because I am having some problems with my firewall. I have to admit that I know nuts about all these Internet security stuff but what I do know about firewall is that it protects us from hackers. (Correct me if I'm wrong.) And we know, what these hackers are capable of doing.

Anyways, eight days into the new classroom environment and I was pressurized to step up on the decorations of my classroom as there will be an internal audit, which took place last Thursday. I was so nervous and stressed up. Not only did I have to adapt to a much bigger classroom capacity, I also have to adapt to a totally different style of teaching. I was running here and there. As all of you may know, I get very edgy when I'm nervous. I was easily agitated that I decided to just make as little contact as I can with the people I love. (Ironic but it's for the good of both parties.)

Anyhow, to cut a long story short, the audit is now finally over but there was one significant event that took place last Thursday that made me glad that I actually went through the audit. This was what happened.

My classes had finally ended and it was already 4.10pm. I was rushing to get my things done because I was not feeling very well and wanted to just get it all over with and rest at home. While I was sitting down and minding my own business, the auditor actually came up to me and sat down beside me. Boy, was I shocked. I definitely did not expect her to do that. At that moment, I knew that it was not going to be something good. I kept thinking that she was probably going to dismiss me for my terrible style of teaching and classroom management. Aha! It was the complete opposite.

Auditor: So how long have you been teaching?
Me: Not long. I was previously from another centre at town area for about four months before I came here. But because it was too far, I accepted the posting here and I just started last week, on the 16th.
Auditor: Are you serious? You were very good. Your facial expressions, your tone of voice - excellent. Some people can have 10 or 15 years of experience and still not able to give out that same amount of energy. It's either you can do it or you can't. Good for you.

WOO HOO!! Imagine that. I was just too taken back to react to that. Then we started talking for a bit more and she shared some great tips.

At the end of it all, I was just not able to believe that I was so stressed up and scared about what might happen during the audit. I seriously thought I would be blacklisted at the end of the audit. The best part was the auditor actually told my principal what she told me. WOO HOO!!!!! I shall not be blamed for boasting because I did not do the telling. The auditor did so herself.

Alhamdullillah. Syukur kepada ALLAH. If it was not for Him, I would not been able to make it this far.

New classroom environment

I was so caught up with work I could hardly take a breather. Okay, okay, I am exaggerating but you know what I mean, right. Sometimes, you are just so tired after work that you do not even have time to think about what you're doing. That was what happened this week. I just got started this week at my new centre. I was left to work on my own after only 2 days on the job. Imagine that! There were like a million things that I need to get used to. First, the extra number of children from teaching 6 children at a time to teaching 20 of them at one go. Second was from having the privacy of my own classroom where I was given the freedom to construct my own teaching was sacrificed when the structure of the new classroom environment in this new centre is such that every class is connected to the classroom without any barriers separating them. That is to say that if the children from the other classroom were making a lot of noise, the children from my classroom will definitely be affected. I have to shout and shout every single day. Darn! My throat hurts by the end of each day. And the worst part of it was the teaching aids. It had to be changed almost every two weeks. ARGH! That's a lot of work. That is not inclusive of the teaching aids for the lesson plan. Sighs... I'm tired. So very tired.

I'm sorry, Mak.

Mak was really angry when I told her about my doubts. She reminded me that ALLAH encourages us to be proactive, take initiative. On top of our prayers, we must also find other alternatives in order to be granted with what we want. I feel horrible for allowing my emotions take over me. After all the trouble Mak has gone through, I will not disappoint her. I will believe that all this will happen. Insya ALLAH. Allah maha ketahui lagi maha bijaksana. O ALLAH, forgive me for allowing my emotions take over me. I do not wish to sadden my mother but it was not my intentions - never at all. O ALLAH, protect me from believing Syaitan's whispers, which in turn increasing my doubts. O ALLAH, strengthen my faith, dear Lord. Protect me, O ALLAH for verily You are the only Protector I will ever need. Amin.

Lost but heck, I found a whole lotta treasure!

Initially, I was extremely reluctant to go for this tutor training programme at MDIS HQ. However, I was glad that I did went for it today.

It was not a good start. The class starts at 9am and I arrived only at 9.45am or close to 10am. WE (my parents drove me there) practically went round and round Changi Road and still could not find the place. We ended up asking guard who was on duty at the Civil Defence and he directed us accurately. Alhamdullillah.

So I took the lift, saw Kak Zaidah, signed in and went straight to training room 302. From outside, I could already see a lot of people. I thought they would comprise mostly of women - just like other functions (or training programmes) that I usually attaend. Boy, was I wrong.

There were a bunch of NTU/NUS students. WOO HOO! I Like! I had great fun.

For better or worse

I occassionally think about him and how he's getting along. I wondered also if he still felt the same way he did. I constantly ponder on the possibilites if we actually get together. I love his presence and misses it so. He used to make me laugh ALL the time. It took him a very long time to warm up to me but he did. Boy, was I glad that was so. He can pull the funniest face and it will look real spastic but he made me laugh. I missed those times.

I paid a visit to his blog today and saw an entry that answered my (silent) queries. He has moved on. He may not be with the girl whom he likes right now but he has moved on. I was only a thing from his past. Maybe he doesn't even think about me anymore - after we had that talk before the end of school separated us. Maybe it's all for the better. It will be just too complex if we get together. Neither of us would budge when the need to choose between the two religions arise. That's the complication. That was the reason why I chose not to let it happen when you confessed to me. I have seen multi-racial relationships crumble at the very last moment. It was so hard for both parties to part but they knew they had to. I was not ready for that. I have also seen marriages where the husbands embraced Islam for the sake of marrying the wife. Personally, if I were to ever be with someone who is not initally a Muslim, I want him to embrace Islam out of his OWN accord. Not because he wants to be with me nor is it because of anything else. It should be because he has truly seen the truth in my faith. I believe that before you can start to love , you need to get to know first. This does not just apply to relationships. This applies to anything - even religion.

Maybe it is all for the better, Insya Allah. ALLAH knows everything. Maybe He has someone better planned for me and him. Whatever, it is, he made me feel so wonderful - not just back then, even now. I feel appreciated, you know. Like someone can actually love me even after he has seen me at my worst and at my best.

When u speak, all I hear is BLA BLA BLA

I was reading TODAY this morning (TODAY is that free newspaper one gets every morning before boarding the train) (Me reading the newspapers?? A rare occassion but true. Priceless.) I saw an article made by a Malay lady. It was titled "Welcome fillip in the fight against bigotry".

Prior to reading this article, I came across a certain blog from one fuck of an arse, happily discriminating Malay-Muslims. I was bloody furious when I read his/ her entries. (Considering that this blogger does not seem to use his power of reasoning to good use and thus behaving like an animal hence let's just refer to him/her as 'IT'. The general term used for animals or creatures.) It was tempting to simply give IT one piece of my mind (plus the profanities, of course. What's the cake without the yummy cream, right?) But I decided not to. I dunno. Suddenly, I feel like I would be doing exactly what IT wants me to do. Get all fired up, starts swearing and making a big scene out of the comments IT makes, however rude they are. So I chose to walk away.

My walking away does not signify defeat. In fact, it is a form of victory. Victory because I have not stooped so low and get DOWN to IT's level. Being a minority in my homeland and having into contact with gazillions of individuals who chose to judge me by the colour of my skin, my accent and every other aspect of my physicality shoudl be a darn good reason for me to feel like I should give IT the treatment IT deserves. That's simple. IT irritates, I get all fucked up, IT irritates me even more and I get even more FUCKED up. The cycle just goes on and on. There will be no end. But where will that get us? Nowhere.

So after much thought and consideration, I chose a route, which will never even cross my mind had I not go through all that I went through while growing up. I decided to let IT be. Let IT babble on about how ape-like the Malay-Muslims are, how ignorant and crappy our belief is (Subahanallah. O ALLAH, strengthen my faith, Dear Lord.) and so on and so forth.

From the way I see this, discrimination (of any kind) is a sign of weakness. One criticizes another so that one can feel good about one’s self, one’s belief etc. IT’s opinions are like a needle in a haystack. Would’t life be so cumbersome and tiring to adjust our life so that we can satisfy someone else? There are over 10 million of people living worldwide – about 3 million in Singapore alone. The first part of my life was all about pleasing others. The second part was filled with fights in order to maintain and (so-called) uphold my rights. Fighting was also an attempt to make people see my point of view and my perception on a certain issue.

But now, for this part of my life – I shall wait. Wait for the right moment. This is not to say I will not give up without a fight. That is a route for the cowards. I shall wait and let all these shallow, ignorant individuals with low self-esteem get away with it – for now. Because the “victims” of (any) discriminations shall make a comeback. No, we shall not resort to violence as did the terrorists attacks, which end up in the loss of thousands of innocent lives.

But we shall wait for the right moement. When the time is right, we shall speak out. And when we do, these animals will shut up once and for all. They will be left with nothing more to say. Hopefully by then, they would already realize their mistakes and repent. But if that makes them go deeper into the abyss, well, may God help them by showing them to the right path.

FCUK

During the children's naptime, I was busy talking on the mobile with a dear friend of mine. As usual, we were discussing about life, men and everything under the sun. Somehow, we got to the topic of my easiness with using vulgarities. My dear, dear friend is very well-mannered, pious, gentle and funny. I have never heard her swear in all the time I have known her and I do not think she will ever. She is one of those people who just well....don't swear - unlike yours truly.

Frankly, it is very hard for me to quit swearing. This has nothing to do with my upbringing. My parents and siblings are not the sort to swear - at all. I think it could be due to the friends I made over the years. When I talk to them, swearing is like part of the conversation. It makes the conversation more interesting and lively - despite the dull content. It has become a habit for me. This habit was especially evident during my tertiary days. In each sentence of about 10 words, half of them would be vulgarities from various languages that we can think of. Swearing has since then became the norm for me - even when I talk to anyone of any background.

That dear friend of mine, she pinted out one thing to me that has somehow slipped my mind. She reminded me that guys do not like it when girls swear - most guys at least. Is that true? That has never really crossed my mind. Strange but true. Does it really matter to a guy if the girl simply loves to swear?

Anyways, whatever it is, I have to stop swearing, It is getting way out of hand. I used it in front of my parents ( not on them, please get it right.) and my other friends. Whether or not it matters to a guy that a girl loves to swear, I still need to kick this habit. It may give me this temporary sense of satisfaction but I always feel so sinful after blurting it out.

I Want a Famous Face - Me

I am in the midst of a very long weekend of 4 days consecutively. Unfortunately, time passes by so quickly and I am already at day number 3 as I am typing this post.

Anyways, I was watching MTV's - I Want A Famous Face yesterday. It featured this girl by the name of Vived. She wanted to look like Carmen Electra. She's a fashion designer and was starting to design lingerie and intended to fashion her own lingerie on Playboy one fine day just like Carmen.

I really do not see anything seriously wrong with her bod. Even before the plastic surgery, it was too-die-for. The only problem was that it does not look as perfect as Carmen's. She even has a boyfriend who is not that bad-looking and bloody shweeeet. After her surgery, her boyfriend visited her at home and brought her flowers. Guess what she said,

"I am glad at times like this that I have Marc. But after I am better, I do not know if I can commit to one single guy at this point of time."

WHAT ?!?!?! Rubbish! To cut a long story short, the swellings from the surgery subsided and she was back to normal only that now she has much, much, MUCH bigger breasts than before and the liposuction on her thighs was not really visible but it was not as swollen as before.

11 weeks passed and she was up on her feet, the camera showed her while she was on her way to the doctor's for her check-ups. Guess what she says now,

" I think my breasts were much larger than I expected. I am thinking of going for reduction depending on the complications. ...I have been receiving unwanted attention from men wherever I go."

WHAT ?!?!?! Hahahahahaha...Humans. We are never NEVER satisfied with the blessings that God has bestowed upon us yeah. I mean, it is alright to strive and work hard to get more money because nothing in life is free, especially here in my dearest homeland. It is also fine to want to look more beautiful through exercise or anything that will not harm your physical self. But in our pursuit for money and beauty, it is so important to remember what is true to us and never ever lose our self-worth and dignity. I have to admit that I do want to look beautiful (who doesn't? ) but I am simply thankful for my body, however imperfect it is. I ain't no mannequin. I am human. I am supposed to be imperfect. we are not designed for perfection. But I believe if you are thankful for all that you are given, your imperfections can actually be seen as beautiful to someone else. You never know. I have to admit that I am a little conscious about my weight but not to the extent of doing liposuction or anything of that sort. It's too scary and it's like taking the easy way out. Liposuction has immediate results as compared to exercise but the pain and the effects...EURGH! Subahanallah.

May Allah refrain such thoughts from entering my shallow mind.

Grant us guidance and patience for we know not

O Allah, I hate to see him depressed and confused as how he is now. Show him guidance, O Allah. Guidance as to the next step that he should take now for we know not what is in the future. Verily You are All-Knowing.

Strengthen our family ties, O Allah. Strengthen our love for one another. Grant us patience, endurance, determination to get through this ordeal. Strengthen our iman for that will be one of the ways we can surpass this turmoil and be grateful for all that has happened to us over our lifetimes. I wish I can do something to help him, O Allah. But I am just a human. I can only give him my comfort, love and a shoulder to cry on. Please be with him every step of the way, O Allah. Be with him and whisper words of assurance when the tears flows down his cheeks. Tears of a man that is so hard to come by, that does not flow easily. O Allah, spread Your love too to the little one. She knows nothing . Grant her the willpower to survive this ordeal. I long to comfort her, cradle her and assure her that everything's going to be fine but under the circumstances, I can only pray for her. O Allah, help her feel better for she is a just a little human a few months old. Protect her, O Lord for You are the only Protection we will ever need. Be with her every step of the way, O Allah.

O Allah, Lord Al-Mighty, please let this ordeal be over soon and let the both of them get on and build their lives back again as Muslims with a much stronger iman and appreciates life for all that it is.

Amin.

Touch of Merah Jambu

The song from Lacoste's - Touch of Pink advertisement is stuck in my brain! MTV is constantly playing it! I LOVE THIS SONG! IS there anywhere I can download it? Wonder who sings it... There it is again! MTV'S playing it again! Ahhhhhhhh!!!

Say a little prayer

I have never been so happy with what is shown on the weighing machine as I did today.

I used to (GOSH! I just love those words, "used to") weigh 65kg, especially before Kakak's wedding. The pressure to lose weight was heigtened to show off to the "makciks". I felt heavy (well, I was. :p ) But I just could not believe what was shown on the scale today. I weighed......(Drum roll, please!) 60kg! Can you imagine that?!!? That would mean that I have lost 5kg in 4 months! WOW! Alhamdullillah.

With this in mind, I feel like I am edging closer to my goal. I know PARENTS are not exactly as happy with the idea as much as I want them to but I will be doing it all for them. I hate being almost penniless every other day, even after pay day. I should be the one paying and treating my dearest parents and pampering them with whatever it is that they want but I can not do that - especially after this switching of jobs. Not that my parents are materialistic but they have never failed to provide me with anything I desire when I was growing up - even those things that they don't really fancy. One excellent example is my skateboard. Yes, yes, I tried to skate for a while. (It is NOT funny! :P )Being the middle class family that we are ( Thank ALLAH for all the blessings He has bestowed upon us), my whole family chipped in to get me my first deck.* I am such a spoilt brat.

I WILL accomplish my goal. It is all for them - my parents. The extremely good pay will be an opportunity for me to do what I have always wanted to do :-

• Pamper my family and loved ones as much as I want to
• Travel around the world
• Be independent - look out for myself
• (Further) mature as an individual
• Save up for future use - duit pelamin hehehehe
• Support my own school fees when I further my studies - I WILL MAKE IT! Insya Allah

O Allah, I pray each night that You will answer my prayers. Instill the sheer determination, self-confidence and anything else I would need in order to make my dreams a reality. O Allah, guide me to the path I need to take to realise my dreams without having to resort or do anything that is against Your commands. O Allah, strengthen my faith so as not to go astray (should my dreams be realised). Make me the most humble of humankind as like our Beloved Prophet Muhammad (may peace be upon him). Lastly, O Allah, I thank you for bestowing upon my family all the blessings throughout our lifetimes and in the years to come.

* I have always been fascinated with skateboarding. I tried to really do it but I was always so shy whenever I carry the deck around that I end up not achieveing anything at all. Now, that same skateboard is collecting dust in my storeroom. Skating reminds me of Del, Harm and Hairul - the "fools' ( hey, you know I got love for you, yeah) who encouraged and taught me everything I need to know about extreme sports. Wonder how they are getting on now.

NEVER!

How dare she! How dare she try to take him away from us! She will never succeed in doing so. NEVER! We are tight as can be. Nothing can break us up. This incident has not driven us away from him. Instead, it has deepened our love and care for one another. How dare she try to do the most despicable thing! She will never succeed! He is our brother, son and family! YOU WILL NEVER SUCCEED IN TAKING HIM AWAY FROM US! NEVER! We will never allow such rubbish to happen to him. We will try to do whatever we can to save him from your wretched mother and yourself. I do not want to hate anyone but the feelings of hatred seem to tempting to be left behind but I will not succumb to it.

Aren't you afraid of the consequences of your behaviour? You are a disgrace to Malay-Muslims the world over. I pray each day and night that I will never be someone like you. I will treat my life partner with the utmost love, care and concern. I will shower my offspring(s) with my undying maternal affection. Subahanallah. I pray that I will never be like you. O Allah, refrain me from doing anything as portrayed by that woman, O Allah. For I am not capable of facing Your wreath and hurting my parents (and future parents-in-law).